Saturday, June 25, 2011
Losing hope
I have so much love to give. If only someone wanted it or could give me the same in return. I'm starting to lose hope in love.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
A 14-yr-old heart in a 36-yr-old body
Goody two shoes? Yes I was. All through high school and college. I didn't actually drink until I was 21. Heaven forbid I break the rules.
I can remember having a sleepover on my 14th birthday and my neighbor Guy had friends over too. They called my house and my friend Matt told me he wanted to "go out" with me (or whatever we were calling it in 1988). All of the girls at my house were urging me to "go out" with him, undoubtedly giggling the entire time as 14-yr-old girls do. I can remember thinking..#1) Why would he like me? #2) What does "going out" with a boy even mean?. I hadn't kissed anyone or even held hands up to that point. My first kiss was over a year later onstage in Oklahoma. NOT kidding. That's how "green" I was about the opposite sex.
It's not that I didn't like guys and obsess over them all the time with my friends. I was an expert at that. I was envious of my friends that had boyfriends through high school. Now, did any of them end up with those high school boyfriends. No...so what did I REALLY miss out on.
I'll tell you. The experiences, the heartbreak and the mistakes you learn from. I never understood why I didn't really date in high school or college. I've realized in the last year what it was...I didn't think I was good enough for anyone to like. That's the person I put out there. No wonder I wasn't noticed.
It makes me sad I wasted so much time not liking myself. I still struggle with my poor self-worth some days, but the person I am today is so much stronger and confident that the woman I was just a year ago.
Where did that change come from? Multiple people in my life through good and bad helped me learn so much about myself. First, my best friend Rachel for giving me the example of what it means to be a strong, compassionate, individual woman. You have no idea how much I look up to you. What you've dealt with in the last 2 years would have broken me a LONG time ago. To my Turkish "friend" who broke my heart (a heart I just handed over without a second thought). You were right friend..."I couldn't possibly know you in only 3 weeks". Now I can say thanks for dropping me when you did. I not going to act like I'm not still affected by you, but it fades a little more each day. Thank god for that. To AH, you helped me find confidence in exactly who I am and made me feel desired and beautiful. We'll always be buddies.
I'm starting a new adventure with someone. Someone who loves life, makes me smile and gives me the biggest smile when he sees me. For the first time, I'm actually trying to take small steps (in some areas anyway LOL). Although I still have the occasional freakout because of my insecurities, I'm trying to live in the moment with him and enjoy things exactly how they are today.
Finding the balance between falling in love in an instant and putting up a wall is the hardest thing to do. Some days I feel like I'm 14 again with a boy on the phone asking me to "go out". But these days, I think "Damn right he should ask me out. I'm pretty awesome".
I have over 20 years of experiences to fulfill. So please excuse me while I actually go and live my life FINALLY.
I can remember having a sleepover on my 14th birthday and my neighbor Guy had friends over too. They called my house and my friend Matt told me he wanted to "go out" with me (or whatever we were calling it in 1988). All of the girls at my house were urging me to "go out" with him, undoubtedly giggling the entire time as 14-yr-old girls do. I can remember thinking..#1) Why would he like me? #2) What does "going out" with a boy even mean?. I hadn't kissed anyone or even held hands up to that point. My first kiss was over a year later onstage in Oklahoma. NOT kidding. That's how "green" I was about the opposite sex.
It's not that I didn't like guys and obsess over them all the time with my friends. I was an expert at that. I was envious of my friends that had boyfriends through high school. Now, did any of them end up with those high school boyfriends. No...so what did I REALLY miss out on.
I'll tell you. The experiences, the heartbreak and the mistakes you learn from. I never understood why I didn't really date in high school or college. I've realized in the last year what it was...I didn't think I was good enough for anyone to like. That's the person I put out there. No wonder I wasn't noticed.
It makes me sad I wasted so much time not liking myself. I still struggle with my poor self-worth some days, but the person I am today is so much stronger and confident that the woman I was just a year ago.
Where did that change come from? Multiple people in my life through good and bad helped me learn so much about myself. First, my best friend Rachel for giving me the example of what it means to be a strong, compassionate, individual woman. You have no idea how much I look up to you. What you've dealt with in the last 2 years would have broken me a LONG time ago. To my Turkish "friend" who broke my heart (a heart I just handed over without a second thought). You were right friend..."I couldn't possibly know you in only 3 weeks". Now I can say thanks for dropping me when you did. I not going to act like I'm not still affected by you, but it fades a little more each day. Thank god for that. To AH, you helped me find confidence in exactly who I am and made me feel desired and beautiful. We'll always be buddies.
I'm starting a new adventure with someone. Someone who loves life, makes me smile and gives me the biggest smile when he sees me. For the first time, I'm actually trying to take small steps (in some areas anyway LOL). Although I still have the occasional freakout because of my insecurities, I'm trying to live in the moment with him and enjoy things exactly how they are today.
Finding the balance between falling in love in an instant and putting up a wall is the hardest thing to do. Some days I feel like I'm 14 again with a boy on the phone asking me to "go out". But these days, I think "Damn right he should ask me out. I'm pretty awesome".
I have over 20 years of experiences to fulfill. So please excuse me while I actually go and live my life FINALLY.
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