I have painted my living room RED. A very deep, unapologetic, will take 3 coats to cover RED. I love it. I feel like it is the first step to starting my new life on my own.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Changing my status
I have been dreading changing my status on Facebook to "Single". I knew that it would initiate a barrage of questions. In fact, I was doing a pretty good job of avoiding it until I realized that was the WORST thing I could do. I have to answer the questions eventually, why not get it over with?
So I did it. I got 2 messages in the first 5 minutes. Not too bad so far. We'll see what happens tomorrow when the daytime people wake up and think, "WTF?" Then I'll have to explain it over and over again.
I guess I don't understand my shame with all of this. I feel like I'm having to tell people I murdered someone. That's how bad I feel. Like a murderer. I'm just not used to putting my needs first. It's so bizarre to think that I deserve anything good. I am my own worst enemy. Man, that's getting annoying.
So I did it. I got 2 messages in the first 5 minutes. Not too bad so far. We'll see what happens tomorrow when the daytime people wake up and think, "WTF?" Then I'll have to explain it over and over again.
I guess I don't understand my shame with all of this. I feel like I'm having to tell people I murdered someone. That's how bad I feel. Like a murderer. I'm just not used to putting my needs first. It's so bizarre to think that I deserve anything good. I am my own worst enemy. Man, that's getting annoying.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Now what?
I'm divorced. It's Christmas morning and I am at my parents house and I'm single after being married almost 10 years. I am the one who initiated it so I don't have any reason to complain, right? I'm the evil girl who decided she wasn't happy in her marriage anymore. It doesn't take away the guilt and shame I feel. So tired of everyone asking, "what happened?" when they find out. Like I didn't do everying possible to prevent it. Like I didn't hang on for much longer than I should have just based on sheer hope that things would change and our love would grow again. I think about my ex-husband (who is a nice guy, btw) and wonder how hurt HE must be today.
The reasons for our marriage ending were very valid. Long story short, we grew apart a long time ago. I knew I could no longer stay in this null or void our marriage had become.
That's how I ended up here. Single and terrified that I'll never find the love I've searched over 35 years for. I know I need to make that leap and make major changes in my life, otherwise this was for nothing. I've never been a risk taker. I hate roller coasters, scary movies or anything that might possibly initiate some adrenaline in my body. I am a planner, a researcher. It took me 15 years to decide to get a tattoo (much to my ex's chagrin).
So....how am I going to jump in head first instead of just dipping my toe in? Because I owe it to myself. And after all, if I don't look out for me then who will?
The reasons for our marriage ending were very valid. Long story short, we grew apart a long time ago. I knew I could no longer stay in this null or void our marriage had become.
That's how I ended up here. Single and terrified that I'll never find the love I've searched over 35 years for. I know I need to make that leap and make major changes in my life, otherwise this was for nothing. I've never been a risk taker. I hate roller coasters, scary movies or anything that might possibly initiate some adrenaline in my body. I am a planner, a researcher. It took me 15 years to decide to get a tattoo (much to my ex's chagrin).
So....how am I going to jump in head first instead of just dipping my toe in? Because I owe it to myself. And after all, if I don't look out for me then who will?
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