Old pain, new hope

So I have guys interested in me. I'm not sure how to digest that. I want to be open to new possibilities, but my heart is still invested in him. My mind knows we probably would never work, but I can't let it go. I just texted him like an idiot. Now my happiness hangs in the balance of what his response will be, if he will even respond. Why do I torture myself?

I feel like an alcoholic that knows how damaging that first drink will be, but they do it anyway. And they don't drink one, they drink an ENTIRE bottle of alcohol because they have no limits. No control. I hate being out of control.

I don't really know how much more pain I need to endure to be ready to say "goodbye" for good. Apparently not enough yet. At this moment it feels like I will NEVER not care for him. I know logically that's not true. One day I'll look back and think, "why did I think this was SO important". I know it will happen.

Now that I think about it, why do I beat myself up for how I feel? I absolutely, unequivocally still love him. I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. Yes it hurts like hell some days, but it's better than never feeling anything.