Losing hope

I have so much love to give. If only someone wanted it or could give me the same in return. I'm starting to lose hope in love.

A 14-yr-old heart in a 36-yr-old body

Goody two shoes? Yes I was. All through high school and college. I didn't actually drink until I was 21. Heaven forbid I break the rules.

I can remember having a sleepover on my 14th birthday and my neighbor Guy had friends over too. They called my house and my friend Matt told me he wanted to "go out" with me (or whatever we were calling it in 1988). All of the girls at my house were urging me to "go out" with him, undoubtedly giggling the entire time as 14-yr-old girls do. I can remember thinking..#1) Why would he like me? #2) What does "going out" with a boy even mean?. I hadn't kissed anyone or even held hands up to that point. My first kiss was over a year later onstage in Oklahoma. NOT kidding. That's how "green" I was about the opposite sex.

It's not that I didn't like guys and obsess over them all the time with my friends. I was an expert at that. I was envious of my friends that had boyfriends through high school. Now, did any of them end up with those high school boyfriends. No...so what did I REALLY miss out on.

I'll tell you. The experiences, the heartbreak and the mistakes you learn from. I never understood why I didn't really date in high school or college. I've realized in the last year what it was...I didn't think I was good enough for anyone to like. That's the person I put out there. No wonder I wasn't noticed.

It makes me sad I wasted so much time not liking myself. I still struggle with my poor self-worth some days, but the person I am today is so much stronger and confident that the woman I was just a year ago.

Where did that change come from? Multiple people in my life through good and bad helped me learn so much about myself. First, my best friend Rachel for giving me the example of what it means to be a strong, compassionate, individual woman. You have no idea how much I look up to you. What you've dealt with in the last 2 years would have broken me a LONG time ago. To my Turkish "friend" who broke my heart (a heart I just handed over without a second thought). You were right friend..."I couldn't possibly know you in only 3 weeks". Now I can say thanks for dropping me when you did. I not going to act like I'm not still affected by you, but it fades a little more each day. Thank god for that. To AH, you helped me find confidence in exactly who I am and made me feel desired and beautiful. We'll always be buddies.

I'm starting a new adventure with someone. Someone who loves life, makes me smile and gives me the biggest smile when he sees me. For the first time, I'm actually trying to take small steps (in some areas anyway LOL). Although I still have the occasional freakout because of my insecurities, I'm trying to live in the moment with him and enjoy things exactly how they are today.

Finding the balance between falling in love in an instant and putting up a wall is the hardest thing to do. Some days I feel like I'm 14 again with a boy on the phone asking me to "go out". But these days, I think "Damn right he should ask me out. I'm pretty awesome".

I have over 20 years of experiences to fulfill. So please excuse me while I actually go and live my life FINALLY.

Only the Lonely

I have titled a blog "Only the Lonely" twice, yet I've never published a post. Maybe it's because it is painful to talk about my loneliness. Yet it exists.

It feels like my life is filled up of these small moments with multiple people. People that may or may not know or give a shit about the real me. They each take a small piece of me for their own use (and I give it up readily) then return to their own lives. Meanwhile, I go home to my cold, lonely house that with the exception of two cats, is devoid of any warm-blooded creature to interact with.

As I lie in bed right before falling asleep, I try to remember what it felt like to have someone next to me. Hearing someone else's breath (or snoring), sensing their warmth or settling into the occasional arm wrapped around me. Just having the knowledge of their presence is a comfort I never understood until I went without it.

I can go out to eat, go to a party and do almost anything alone. I did it for 10 years. But to fall asleep, completely alone, in the center of my queen size bed is some days too much to stomach.

I am woman, hear me cry....

I am tired of the perception that being emotional means you're weak. I am PROUD of who I am. Proud that I have the ability to empathize and reach out to perfect stranger just as easily as I can breathe. Oh there I go, being "dramatic" again. It pisses me off that sometimes people treat me as if I'm to be merely "tolerated". "Just let her get the emotions out, then maybe she'll shut up"

Those people who scoff at my emotions and tears will be the first people who need my emotional support when the shit is going down and they are down and out. Good thing my overly emotional, dramatic self can identify with them and give them the comfort they so desperately need.

And suddenly, the emotional girl they looked over will be valuable. Just as SHE knew she was.

Glass half empty

I've never felt such an emptiness over another person before. This aching to see them, talk to them, touch them. I think being here on my family vacation and being the only one who DOESN'T have a family amplifies that loneliness. All the dreams he talked about and I listened to, are happening without me being involved. Because he doesn't want me with him.



This curse of emotion dominates my thoughts and actions. If I don't follow my emotions it feels like I am swimming upstream, going against nature. But, if I follow my heart and "react" I constantly run the risk of getting my heart obliterated, over and over again. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just want to quit hurting.....

Old pain, new hope

So I have guys interested in me. I'm not sure how to digest that. I want to be open to new possibilities, but my heart is still invested in him. My mind knows we probably would never work, but I can't let it go. I just texted him like an idiot. Now my happiness hangs in the balance of what his response will be, if he will even respond. Why do I torture myself?

I feel like an alcoholic that knows how damaging that first drink will be, but they do it anyway. And they don't drink one, they drink an ENTIRE bottle of alcohol because they have no limits. No control. I hate being out of control.

I don't really know how much more pain I need to endure to be ready to say "goodbye" for good. Apparently not enough yet. At this moment it feels like I will NEVER not care for him. I know logically that's not true. One day I'll look back and think, "why did I think this was SO important". I know it will happen.

Now that I think about it, why do I beat myself up for how I feel? I absolutely, unequivocally still love him. I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. Yes it hurts like hell some days, but it's better than never feeling anything.

What else is there to say? It's been a difficult three months. If things were completely disconnected between us maybe I would be over you. It's up to ME to make that happen. I'm working on it, really I am. One day I WILL be over you.