I had this sudden realization tonight that I am really content right now. It was a realization that shocked me. For so many years I just "exsisted" in my life, being an observer instead of an active participant.
I'm almost ashamed of how easily I let myself fall off the map; become complacent. For the longest time, I thought "well, this is it. This IS my life" Part of me knew I had settled, but was so afraid to make changes because of what people might think of me. When I looked back at my journals and began seeing the same concerns over and over for multiple years, I knew something had to change and I was the only person who could do it. This decision didn't come easily. I fought myself, questioned myself and was laiden with enormous amounts of guilt. But somehow, I made it out alive. We both did. And.....we don't want to kill each other. I'm proud of that.
One of the most moving musical acts I have ever seen in concert (twice) is The Swell Season. It consists of Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. They met while acting/singing in the movie Once. If you haven't seen it, it is worth your rental or Netflix money. The first time I saw them it was an amazing poetic experience (sounds cheesy, I know). The second time was on the same day my divorce was final. There were multiple times during my marriage that I would lie in bed crying, listening to my iPod and trying to absorb myself in music. The Swell Season's most well-known song, "Falling Slowly" has a line that inspires me everytime.
"Well you have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you won"
When I heard Glen Hansard sing this line, on the night of my divorce, I started crying. I wasn't crying for my loss, it was more because of what I had gained. I could now put myself first, and not feel guilty for it. As each day goes by, I feel a little less guilt and feel a little more empowered. Who wouldn't be content with that?
Here is a link to a video for Falling Slowly. Enjoy......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Anonymity
The beautiful thing about this blog is that no one has read it, so far. At some point I will tell someone about it and then fear the judgement I might receive. Not that I have written anything SO revealing (that's saved for my personal journal that NO ONE will ever see), it's just I keep spilling my feelings onto this blog. There is something about placing this anonymously out on the internet, with the possibility of being discovered. It's almost as if I'm begging for someone to hear me, understand me. The real me. Who is that you ask?
I am.....a bleeding heart. I try to hold it in, but fail miserably. I wish to feel deeply, love deeply
and sometimes think no one (no man) has the capability of having
feelings like I do. I know men and women are different, but I have to
believe there is a man who is passionate like I am.
I am.......terrified. Terrified that I am not good enough. I put on a good front. I come across as
the confident, independent, intelligent woman who can handle anything.
Just so everyone knows, I don't have it together most of the time. I don't
have a clue what I'm doing and often go with my heart (see above).
Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.
I am.....hopeful. Hopeful I will find what I am looking for. I'm not just referring to a partner in
life. I'm referring to finding the balance of my entire life. Some people
might think I am going through some kind of "thrisis" (google it...it's a real
thing). Maybe I am. If that's what it takes for me to find contentment, I'm
okay with that label.
I am.......so many more things I can't even begin to describe.
I am......a work in progress and I don't plan on retiring anytime soon.
I am.....a bleeding heart. I try to hold it in, but fail miserably. I wish to feel deeply, love deeply
and sometimes think no one (no man) has the capability of having
feelings like I do. I know men and women are different, but I have to
believe there is a man who is passionate like I am.
I am.......terrified. Terrified that I am not good enough. I put on a good front. I come across as
the confident, independent, intelligent woman who can handle anything.
Just so everyone knows, I don't have it together most of the time. I don't
have a clue what I'm doing and often go with my heart (see above).
Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.
I am.....hopeful. Hopeful I will find what I am looking for. I'm not just referring to a partner in
life. I'm referring to finding the balance of my entire life. Some people
might think I am going through some kind of "thrisis" (google it...it's a real
thing). Maybe I am. If that's what it takes for me to find contentment, I'm
okay with that label.
I am.......so many more things I can't even begin to describe.
I am......a work in progress and I don't plan on retiring anytime soon.
Monday, February 8, 2010
What is love?
For most of my life, I've imagined I would find the "perfect love". You know, the cute guy chases you down at the airport just seconds before you board the plane to tell you he can't live without you. That's when you have a big dramatic kiss and you live happily ever after. Really? I blame you... Disney, romantic comedies, TV and every other media that projects this "love is perfect" image. From the time we are little girls we pretend we are princesses or brides. We look forward to our future wedding as the pinnacle of our lives. I know I based everything around that moment thinking, "NOW, my life will be amazing".
Let me be clear.....I'm still a sappy romantic. I don't hate love. I'm just trying to be more cautious; not give my heart away like candy at a parade. That is kind of like trying to stop a speeding train. Once my heart feels an ounce of admiration, fascination or attraction it takes off on it's own, without my permission.
I long for a deep connection with someone. I never really had that with my ex-husband, although I tried. He just doesn't need the emotional level of intimacy that I do. Sometimes I feel like my expectations are too high, but other times I think "why can't I have that?". I just knew I couldn't continue my life without feeling passion and love at every turn.
"Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age" -- James Joyce
I don't know when or where I will find someone to share that passion with. That unknown is frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. I know love is never perfect. Prince Charming forgets to take out the trash and whines about spending time with your family or friends. All I ask is that he share his true feelings with me, let me in. I will gladly return the favor.
Let me be clear.....I'm still a sappy romantic. I don't hate love. I'm just trying to be more cautious; not give my heart away like candy at a parade. That is kind of like trying to stop a speeding train. Once my heart feels an ounce of admiration, fascination or attraction it takes off on it's own, without my permission.
I long for a deep connection with someone. I never really had that with my ex-husband, although I tried. He just doesn't need the emotional level of intimacy that I do. Sometimes I feel like my expectations are too high, but other times I think "why can't I have that?". I just knew I couldn't continue my life without feeling passion and love at every turn.
"Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age" -- James Joyce
I don't know when or where I will find someone to share that passion with. That unknown is frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. I know love is never perfect. Prince Charming forgets to take out the trash and whines about spending time with your family or friends. All I ask is that he share his true feelings with me, let me in. I will gladly return the favor.
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