Contentment

I had this sudden realization tonight that I am really content right now. It was a realization that shocked me. For so many years I just "exsisted" in my life, being an observer instead of an active participant.

I'm almost ashamed of how easily I let myself fall off the map; become complacent. For the longest time, I thought "well, this is it. This IS my life" Part of me knew I had settled, but was so afraid to make changes because of what people might think of me. When I looked back at my journals and began seeing the same concerns over and over for multiple years, I knew something had to change and I was the only person who could do it. This decision didn't come easily. I fought myself, questioned myself and was laiden with enormous amounts of guilt. But somehow, I made it out alive. We both did. And.....we don't want to kill each other. I'm proud of that.

One of the most moving musical acts I have ever seen in concert (twice) is The Swell Season. It consists of Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. They met while acting/singing in the movie Once. If you haven't seen it, it is worth your rental or Netflix money. The first time I saw them it was an amazing poetic experience (sounds cheesy, I know). The second time was on the same day my divorce was final. There were multiple times during my marriage that I would lie in bed crying, listening to my iPod and trying to absorb myself in music. The Swell Season's most well-known song, "Falling Slowly" has a line that inspires me everytime.

"Well you have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you won"

When I heard Glen Hansard sing this line, on the night of my divorce, I started crying. I wasn't crying for my loss, it was more because of what I had gained. I could now put myself first, and not feel guilty for it. As each day goes by, I feel a little less guilt and feel a little more empowered. Who wouldn't be content with that?

Here is a link to a video for Falling Slowly. Enjoy......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc