I've never felt such an emptiness over another person before. This aching to see them, talk to them, touch them. I think being here on my family vacation and being the only one who DOESN'T have a family amplifies that loneliness. All the dreams he talked about and I listened to, are happening without me being involved. Because he doesn't want me with him.
This curse of emotion dominates my thoughts and actions. If I don't follow my emotions it feels like I am swimming upstream, going against nature. But, if I follow my heart and "react" I constantly run the risk of getting my heart obliterated, over and over again. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just want to quit hurting.....
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Old pain, new hope
So I have guys interested in me. I'm not sure how to digest that. I want to be open to new possibilities, but my heart is still invested in him. My mind knows we probably would never work, but I can't let it go. I just texted him like an idiot. Now my happiness hangs in the balance of what his response will be, if he will even respond. Why do I torture myself?
I feel like an alcoholic that knows how damaging that first drink will be, but they do it anyway. And they don't drink one, they drink an ENTIRE bottle of alcohol because they have no limits. No control. I hate being out of control.
I don't really know how much more pain I need to endure to be ready to say "goodbye" for good. Apparently not enough yet. At this moment it feels like I will NEVER not care for him. I know logically that's not true. One day I'll look back and think, "why did I think this was SO important". I know it will happen.
Now that I think about it, why do I beat myself up for how I feel? I absolutely, unequivocally still love him. I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. Yes it hurts like hell some days, but it's better than never feeling anything.
I feel like an alcoholic that knows how damaging that first drink will be, but they do it anyway. And they don't drink one, they drink an ENTIRE bottle of alcohol because they have no limits. No control. I hate being out of control.
I don't really know how much more pain I need to endure to be ready to say "goodbye" for good. Apparently not enough yet. At this moment it feels like I will NEVER not care for him. I know logically that's not true. One day I'll look back and think, "why did I think this was SO important". I know it will happen.
Now that I think about it, why do I beat myself up for how I feel? I absolutely, unequivocally still love him. I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. Yes it hurts like hell some days, but it's better than never feeling anything.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Making a comeback
I've not written here in almost two months for fear that if I started writing about how I felt, I wouldn't be able to stop crying. But I'm ready to give it a go.
You see....I fell in love.
Not a little bit in love. Like CRAZY in love. You know, the kind they parody in movies where the guy and girl run to each other in slow motion through a field of flowers and embrace. That kind.
It happened overnight. I could see myself falling...more like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. But I didn't care. I had moments of fear and doubt, but I brushed them aside and went for it.
You see, I had not felt love for someone or from someone in a very long time. "It was only 3 weeks". At least that what he kept telling me. But how can you assign a timeframe to your feelings?
Just as quickly as it began, it all came to a screeching halt when I jumped and he wasn't there to catch me. So I hit the ground hard, being scraped and bruised along the way. My wounds are healing, but the scars will always remain. The question is...am I willing to jump again?
In a heartbeat.
You see....I fell in love.
Not a little bit in love. Like CRAZY in love. You know, the kind they parody in movies where the guy and girl run to each other in slow motion through a field of flowers and embrace. That kind.
It happened overnight. I could see myself falling...more like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. But I didn't care. I had moments of fear and doubt, but I brushed them aside and went for it.
You see, I had not felt love for someone or from someone in a very long time. "It was only 3 weeks". At least that what he kept telling me. But how can you assign a timeframe to your feelings?
Just as quickly as it began, it all came to a screeching halt when I jumped and he wasn't there to catch me. So I hit the ground hard, being scraped and bruised along the way. My wounds are healing, but the scars will always remain. The question is...am I willing to jump again?
In a heartbeat.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Take a chance on me
If only you took the time to get to know me, you would love me. I promise you would. Although some days I don't feel worthy of being loved, deep down I know I am worthy.
How could I possibly be more open than I already am? I deliver my heart on a silver platter and you turn your nose up at it. If I made it unavailable, you would crave it, do anything for it.
Maybe it's because you see me as this overeager puppy, begging for love and attention. I'm sorry. Who the hell doesn't love puppies?????
It makes me doubt who I am. I want to be my true self, but sometimes feel as if no one wants to know who that is.
I guess I'll just have to be cold and unfeeling. Push everyone away instead of clutching onto them for dear life. Yep, that's what I'll do.
So....did you believe that? Me either.
How could I possibly be more open than I already am? I deliver my heart on a silver platter and you turn your nose up at it. If I made it unavailable, you would crave it, do anything for it.
Maybe it's because you see me as this overeager puppy, begging for love and attention. I'm sorry. Who the hell doesn't love puppies?????
It makes me doubt who I am. I want to be my true self, but sometimes feel as if no one wants to know who that is.
I guess I'll just have to be cold and unfeeling. Push everyone away instead of clutching onto them for dear life. Yep, that's what I'll do.
So....did you believe that? Me either.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
10 Things I love about my body
So I have been given a challenge.....to make a list of ten things I like (i'm sorry, LOVE) about my body. This might be difficult but here goes...
1. My eyes.
2. My hair
3. My boobs
4. My curves
5. My skin
6. My nose. It makes me stand out
7. My long legs. They look pretty good in heels.
8. The dimple on my left cheek (on my face LOL)
9. My height. I like being tall.
10. My tattoo
Okay, that wasn't as painful as I thought. I think I need to review this list daily to help me remember all of my good qualities.
1. My eyes.
2. My hair
3. My boobs
4. My curves
5. My skin
6. My nose. It makes me stand out
7. My long legs. They look pretty good in heels.
8. The dimple on my left cheek (on my face LOL)
9. My height. I like being tall.
10. My tattoo
Okay, that wasn't as painful as I thought. I think I need to review this list daily to help me remember all of my good qualities.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)