I am woman, hear me cry....

I am tired of the perception that being emotional means you're weak. I am PROUD of who I am. Proud that I have the ability to empathize and reach out to perfect stranger just as easily as I can breathe. Oh there I go, being "dramatic" again. It pisses me off that sometimes people treat me as if I'm to be merely "tolerated". "Just let her get the emotions out, then maybe she'll shut up"

Those people who scoff at my emotions and tears will be the first people who need my emotional support when the shit is going down and they are down and out. Good thing my overly emotional, dramatic self can identify with them and give them the comfort they so desperately need.

And suddenly, the emotional girl they looked over will be valuable. Just as SHE knew she was.

Glass half empty

I've never felt such an emptiness over another person before. This aching to see them, talk to them, touch them. I think being here on my family vacation and being the only one who DOESN'T have a family amplifies that loneliness. All the dreams he talked about and I listened to, are happening without me being involved. Because he doesn't want me with him.



This curse of emotion dominates my thoughts and actions. If I don't follow my emotions it feels like I am swimming upstream, going against nature. But, if I follow my heart and "react" I constantly run the risk of getting my heart obliterated, over and over again. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just want to quit hurting.....

Old pain, new hope

So I have guys interested in me. I'm not sure how to digest that. I want to be open to new possibilities, but my heart is still invested in him. My mind knows we probably would never work, but I can't let it go. I just texted him like an idiot. Now my happiness hangs in the balance of what his response will be, if he will even respond. Why do I torture myself?

I feel like an alcoholic that knows how damaging that first drink will be, but they do it anyway. And they don't drink one, they drink an ENTIRE bottle of alcohol because they have no limits. No control. I hate being out of control.

I don't really know how much more pain I need to endure to be ready to say "goodbye" for good. Apparently not enough yet. At this moment it feels like I will NEVER not care for him. I know logically that's not true. One day I'll look back and think, "why did I think this was SO important". I know it will happen.

Now that I think about it, why do I beat myself up for how I feel? I absolutely, unequivocally still love him. I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. Yes it hurts like hell some days, but it's better than never feeling anything.

What else is there to say? It's been a difficult three months. If things were completely disconnected between us maybe I would be over you. It's up to ME to make that happen. I'm working on it, really I am. One day I WILL be over you.

Making a comeback

I've not written here in almost two months for fear that if I started writing about how I felt, I wouldn't be able to stop crying. But I'm ready to give it a go.

You see....I fell in love.

Not a little bit in love. Like CRAZY in love. You know, the kind they parody in movies where the guy and girl run to each other in slow motion through a field of flowers and embrace. That kind.

It happened overnight. I could see myself falling...more like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. But I didn't care. I had moments of fear and doubt, but I brushed them aside and went for it.

You see, I had not felt love for someone or from someone in a very long time. "It was only 3 weeks". At least that what he kept telling me. But how can you assign a timeframe to your feelings?

Just as quickly as it began, it all came to a screeching halt when I jumped and he wasn't there to catch me. So I hit the ground hard, being scraped and bruised along the way. My wounds are healing, but the scars will always remain. The question is...am I willing to jump again?

In a heartbeat.

Please.....just make the pain stop. Lord, please take my heart out, turn it off, make it cold and unfeeling. Please.....

Take a chance on me

If only you took the time to get to know me, you would love me. I promise you would. Although some days I don't feel worthy of being loved, deep down I know I am worthy.

How could I possibly be more open than I already am? I deliver my heart on a silver platter and you turn your nose up at it. If I made it unavailable, you would crave it, do anything for it.

Maybe it's because you see me as this overeager puppy, begging for love and attention. I'm sorry. Who the hell doesn't love puppies?????

It makes me doubt who I am. I want to be my true self, but sometimes feel as if no one wants to know who that is.

I guess I'll just have to be cold and unfeeling. Push everyone away instead of clutching onto them for dear life. Yep, that's what I'll do.

So....did you believe that? Me either.