Only the Lonely

I have titled a blog "Only the Lonely" twice, yet I've never published a post. Maybe it's because it is painful to talk about my loneliness. Yet it exists.

It feels like my life is filled up of these small moments with multiple people. People that may or may not know or give a shit about the real me. They each take a small piece of me for their own use (and I give it up readily) then return to their own lives. Meanwhile, I go home to my cold, lonely house that with the exception of two cats, is devoid of any warm-blooded creature to interact with.

As I lie in bed right before falling asleep, I try to remember what it felt like to have someone next to me. Hearing someone else's breath (or snoring), sensing their warmth or settling into the occasional arm wrapped around me. Just having the knowledge of their presence is a comfort I never understood until I went without it.

I can go out to eat, go to a party and do almost anything alone. I did it for 10 years. But to fall asleep, completely alone, in the center of my queen size bed is some days too much to stomach.

I am woman, hear me cry....

I am tired of the perception that being emotional means you're weak. I am PROUD of who I am. Proud that I have the ability to empathize and reach out to perfect stranger just as easily as I can breathe. Oh there I go, being "dramatic" again. It pisses me off that sometimes people treat me as if I'm to be merely "tolerated". "Just let her get the emotions out, then maybe she'll shut up"

Those people who scoff at my emotions and tears will be the first people who need my emotional support when the shit is going down and they are down and out. Good thing my overly emotional, dramatic self can identify with them and give them the comfort they so desperately need.

And suddenly, the emotional girl they looked over will be valuable. Just as SHE knew she was.

Glass half empty

I've never felt such an emptiness over another person before. This aching to see them, talk to them, touch them. I think being here on my family vacation and being the only one who DOESN'T have a family amplifies that loneliness. All the dreams he talked about and I listened to, are happening without me being involved. Because he doesn't want me with him.



This curse of emotion dominates my thoughts and actions. If I don't follow my emotions it feels like I am swimming upstream, going against nature. But, if I follow my heart and "react" I constantly run the risk of getting my heart obliterated, over and over again. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just want to quit hurting.....

Old pain, new hope

So I have guys interested in me. I'm not sure how to digest that. I want to be open to new possibilities, but my heart is still invested in him. My mind knows we probably would never work, but I can't let it go. I just texted him like an idiot. Now my happiness hangs in the balance of what his response will be, if he will even respond. Why do I torture myself?

I feel like an alcoholic that knows how damaging that first drink will be, but they do it anyway. And they don't drink one, they drink an ENTIRE bottle of alcohol because they have no limits. No control. I hate being out of control.

I don't really know how much more pain I need to endure to be ready to say "goodbye" for good. Apparently not enough yet. At this moment it feels like I will NEVER not care for him. I know logically that's not true. One day I'll look back and think, "why did I think this was SO important". I know it will happen.

Now that I think about it, why do I beat myself up for how I feel? I absolutely, unequivocally still love him. I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. Yes it hurts like hell some days, but it's better than never feeling anything.

What else is there to say? It's been a difficult three months. If things were completely disconnected between us maybe I would be over you. It's up to ME to make that happen. I'm working on it, really I am. One day I WILL be over you.

Making a comeback

I've not written here in almost two months for fear that if I started writing about how I felt, I wouldn't be able to stop crying. But I'm ready to give it a go.

You see....I fell in love.

Not a little bit in love. Like CRAZY in love. You know, the kind they parody in movies where the guy and girl run to each other in slow motion through a field of flowers and embrace. That kind.

It happened overnight. I could see myself falling...more like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. But I didn't care. I had moments of fear and doubt, but I brushed them aside and went for it.

You see, I had not felt love for someone or from someone in a very long time. "It was only 3 weeks". At least that what he kept telling me. But how can you assign a timeframe to your feelings?

Just as quickly as it began, it all came to a screeching halt when I jumped and he wasn't there to catch me. So I hit the ground hard, being scraped and bruised along the way. My wounds are healing, but the scars will always remain. The question is...am I willing to jump again?

In a heartbeat.

Please.....just make the pain stop. Lord, please take my heart out, turn it off, make it cold and unfeeling. Please.....

Take a chance on me

If only you took the time to get to know me, you would love me. I promise you would. Although some days I don't feel worthy of being loved, deep down I know I am worthy.

How could I possibly be more open than I already am? I deliver my heart on a silver platter and you turn your nose up at it. If I made it unavailable, you would crave it, do anything for it.

Maybe it's because you see me as this overeager puppy, begging for love and attention. I'm sorry. Who the hell doesn't love puppies?????

It makes me doubt who I am. I want to be my true self, but sometimes feel as if no one wants to know who that is.

I guess I'll just have to be cold and unfeeling. Push everyone away instead of clutching onto them for dear life. Yep, that's what I'll do.

So....did you believe that? Me either.

10 Things I love about my body

So I have been given a challenge.....to make a list of ten things I like (i'm sorry, LOVE) about my body. This might be difficult but here goes...

1. My eyes.
2. My hair
3. My boobs
4. My curves
5. My skin
6. My nose. It makes me stand out
7. My long legs. They look pretty good in heels.
8. The dimple on my left cheek (on my face LOL)
9. My height. I like being tall.
10. My tattoo


Okay, that wasn't as painful as I thought. I think I need to review this list daily to help me remember all of my good qualities.

Contentment

I had this sudden realization tonight that I am really content right now. It was a realization that shocked me. For so many years I just "exsisted" in my life, being an observer instead of an active participant.

I'm almost ashamed of how easily I let myself fall off the map; become complacent. For the longest time, I thought "well, this is it. This IS my life" Part of me knew I had settled, but was so afraid to make changes because of what people might think of me. When I looked back at my journals and began seeing the same concerns over and over for multiple years, I knew something had to change and I was the only person who could do it. This decision didn't come easily. I fought myself, questioned myself and was laiden with enormous amounts of guilt. But somehow, I made it out alive. We both did. And.....we don't want to kill each other. I'm proud of that.

One of the most moving musical acts I have ever seen in concert (twice) is The Swell Season. It consists of Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. They met while acting/singing in the movie Once. If you haven't seen it, it is worth your rental or Netflix money. The first time I saw them it was an amazing poetic experience (sounds cheesy, I know). The second time was on the same day my divorce was final. There were multiple times during my marriage that I would lie in bed crying, listening to my iPod and trying to absorb myself in music. The Swell Season's most well-known song, "Falling Slowly" has a line that inspires me everytime.

"Well you have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you won"

When I heard Glen Hansard sing this line, on the night of my divorce, I started crying. I wasn't crying for my loss, it was more because of what I had gained. I could now put myself first, and not feel guilty for it. As each day goes by, I feel a little less guilt and feel a little more empowered. Who wouldn't be content with that?

Here is a link to a video for Falling Slowly. Enjoy......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

Anonymity

The beautiful thing about this blog is that no one has read it, so far. At some point I will tell someone about it and then fear the judgement I might receive. Not that I have written anything SO revealing (that's saved for my personal journal that NO ONE will ever see), it's just I keep spilling my feelings onto this blog. There is something about placing this anonymously out on the internet, with the possibility of being discovered. It's almost as if I'm begging for someone to hear me, understand me. The real me. Who is that you ask?

I am.....a bleeding heart. I try to hold it in, but fail miserably. I wish to feel deeply, love deeply
and sometimes think no one (no man) has the capability of having
feelings like I do. I know men and women are different, but I have to
believe there is a man who is passionate like I am.
I am.......terrified. Terrified that I am not good enough. I put on a good front. I come across as
the confident, independent, intelligent woman who can handle anything.
Just so everyone knows, I don't have it together most of the time. I don't
have a clue what I'm doing and often go with my heart (see above).
Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.
I am.....hopeful. Hopeful I will find what I am looking for. I'm not just referring to a partner in
life. I'm referring to finding the balance of my entire life. Some people
might think I am going through some kind of "thrisis" (google it...it's a real
thing). Maybe I am. If that's what it takes for me to find contentment, I'm
okay with that label.

I am.......so many more things I can't even begin to describe.
I am......a work in progress and I don't plan on retiring anytime soon.

What is love?

For most of my life, I've imagined I would find the "perfect love". You know, the cute guy chases you down at the airport just seconds before you board the plane to tell you he can't live without you. That's when you have a big dramatic kiss and you live happily ever after. Really? I blame you... Disney, romantic comedies, TV and every other media that projects this "love is perfect" image. From the time we are little girls we pretend we are princesses or brides. We look forward to our future wedding as the pinnacle of our lives. I know I based everything around that moment thinking, "NOW, my life will be amazing".

Let me be clear.....I'm still a sappy romantic. I don't hate love. I'm just trying to be more cautious; not give my heart away like candy at a parade. That is kind of like trying to stop a speeding train. Once my heart feels an ounce of admiration, fascination or attraction it takes off on it's own, without my permission.

I long for a deep connection with someone. I never really had that with my ex-husband, although I tried. He just doesn't need the emotional level of intimacy that I do. Sometimes I feel like my expectations are too high, but other times I think "why can't I have that?". I just knew I couldn't continue my life without feeling passion and love at every turn.

"Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age" -- James Joyce

I don't know when or where I will find someone to share that passion with. That unknown is frightening and exhilarating all at the same time. I know love is never perfect. Prince Charming forgets to take out the trash and whines about spending time with your family or friends. All I ask is that he share his true feelings with me, let me in. I will gladly return the favor.

Red room

I have painted my living room RED. A very deep, unapologetic, will take 3 coats to cover RED. I love it. I feel like it is the first step to starting my new life on my own.

Changing my status

I have been dreading changing my status on Facebook to "Single". I knew that it would initiate a barrage of questions. In fact, I was doing a pretty good job of avoiding it until I realized that was the WORST thing I could do. I have to answer the questions eventually, why not get it over with?
So I did it. I got 2 messages in the first 5 minutes. Not too bad so far. We'll see what happens tomorrow when the daytime people wake up and think, "WTF?" Then I'll have to explain it over and over again.
I guess I don't understand my shame with all of this. I feel like I'm having to tell people I murdered someone. That's how bad I feel. Like a murderer. I'm just not used to putting my needs first. It's so bizarre to think that I deserve anything good. I am my own worst enemy. Man, that's getting annoying.